Trauma

I have two books to thank for helping me finally start to heal. "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk explains in broad terms what trauma is and how it can affect people. Reading it was like a revelation that unlocked a whole new understanding of mental health for me. "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker narrows the focus to CPTSD, particularly people with childhood trauma. Reading it felt like somebody had been spying on me my whole life and writing a nature documentary about me. I'm forever grateful to my new therapist who noticed signs of trauma in me, and gently prompted me down this path of learning. I'm also grateful to my husband Jake who is the very first truly safe home I've ever had, and who has lovingly accepted and supported me through all my transmutations of shock and rage and grief and growth. 

I desperately wish that the world at large were trauma-informed. So few people understand what trauma is or are able to recognize its affects. Trauma is unfortunately not uncommon. In fact, it's a worldwide health epidemic. Not a day goes by that I don't see somebody talking about something they struggle with or identify as, and I think to myself, that's pretty obviously a trauma response. It both is and isn't what the media portrays. 

Psychiatry/psychology is a very young science still making discoveries, therefore much of what we know about trauma is relatively new. Psych also has a huge problem with paternalism, in my opinion. Most psych providers do not prioritize the autonomy of their patients. Consent requires one be informed. I have been seeing various psych providers, diagnosed with this and that, for decades. I had to seek my own research and reading in order for me to become informed on what treatment options are available, how medications actually work and their possible side effects, and what various diagnoses actually mean. Not one provider ever truly attempted to educate me on any of these things, they just told me how they deemed me to be abnormal or unhealthy and what to do about it. Perhaps worst of all, in my eyes, is the fact that providers took my parents' word for my experience without questioning it. Because of that, it wasn't until this year that I was finally able to break free of what was a combination of family indoctrination and my own deep denial to recognize that I was in fact abused and neglected. I experienced toxic interpersonal dynamics as "normal", and I learned damaging ways of relating to myself.

Because of my history of prolonged trauma, I mostly operate from a place of both shame and fear. I am a toxic perfectionist and a chronic people pleaser. I have an inferiority complex, and I have dealt with imposter syndrome in every position I've ever held. I have extreme anxiety and a deep distrust of the world and everyone in it, including myself. Sometimes this anxiety and distrust shows up as control issues, because I feel like I can foresee bad outcomes that nobody else is trying to prevent. I am schooled in the art of passive manipulative control, because that was the norm in our house, but it erupted into aggressive direct control when conflict arose (better to avoid it, I'm terrified of even perceived conflict). My attachment style is disorganized (aka anxious-avoidant). I am intimate friends with all four trauma responses, dissociation is more natural to me than breathing properly, and I have taken quite a few trips around the Karpman Triangle. Many of my past relationships could be described as trauma bonds. I'm just now beginning to learn self-compassion and self-protection, healthy instincts that were snuffed out early in my development. I only recently began to be able separate my relentless inner critic (hateful bitch as I like to call her) from my concept of my "self". 

There are a million associated casualties that stem from my trauma - I have trauma responses associated with food, my body, the education system, work, money/finances, chores/cleaning, even facial expressions and tones of voice. The list goes on. Now that I have the ability to recognize flashbacks, I realize that I regularly experience dozens of flashbacks a day, some of which can last hours. 

I know I need to reparent my inner child, I understand the healing power that could have for me. However, because I was parentified as a child ("the mom friend" is an all too easy role for me to fall into), and praised for my adultification (and punished/ignored when I didn't act grown-up enough), I have a knee-jerk resentment towards being thrust into the role of parent, as well as a disgust and fear of children and childlike things. I am trying to start with being an older sister to my inner teenager. That feels more manageable. Enmeshment was also a huge problem in my family. I learned early to reflect the emotional state of my parents. Everyone had to tune-in to what the "correct" emotional tone of the moment was, or else. Now I have great difficulty accessing my own emotions. I usually don't know how I feel. I generally only become aware of my emotions when they become so intense that they erupt somehow. Because I rarely know how I feel, I don't really know what I like or dislike, or what I want. I am learning to consciously tune out my conditioning and tune into what is going on inside me. 

I almost feel like as a child/teen I existed to be an extension of my parents, like a mirror or a VR game. Co-regulation wasn't a thing I really experienced, perhaps because I wasn't recognized as a fully separate being. I knew I was supposed to support my parents (including confirming their beliefs and decisions about parenting), and bring them positive social attention. Social standards were hugely important, and moralized as well. I learned from my parents to compare absolutely everything about myself and everything I do to others. I was conditioned to see no value in doing anything unless I could be celebrated as "the best" at it by others. It wasn't until this year that I realized it's ok to wear the same type of shoes or get my hair cut similarly to somebody else without questioning whether I'm dumb/bad for "copying". I don't think I've been purely creative since childhood because I overanalyze and pre-edit everything I try to do. A lot of that is due to both the criticism and lack of interest from my parents. Creating and analyzing/editing are separately processes, you can't properly do either of them simultaneously. Enjoying the process without concern for how the outcome will be judged is a brand new concept for me. 

The word that would most describe my upbringing is inconsistency. There was not a great deal of stability or predictability. Sometimes things were great. Sometimes my parents were attentive and loving. Sometimes we weren't worried about whether we would lose the house or how we would eat. Sometimes we siblings all got along and none of us were involved in any scary shit. Sometimes none of those things were true. For years I tucked it all away in a corner of my brain secured by "others have it worse". I mean, it wasn't bad enough to be a Dateline special, so surely it wasn't the T word, right? Wrong. It was traumatic as fuck. And now this former Golden Child is doing the grieving and the blaming before I can properly consider forgiving. 

I have compassion for my parents and their position in this intergenerational cycle, and I'm grateful to them for not doing to us what was done to them. In that regard, I am fortunate. That "others have it worse" thought held denial power because it was true. I know my parents love me, at least in the sense that they feel positive feelings towards me, and they want good things for me. Their actions are not always loving, but who can say they perfectly understand and embody love? I am frustrated by the fact that they sometimes seem far more consumed with their shame and grief than they are concerned with the harm that was experienced or with repairing their relationships with their children. But they are at least receptive to criticism, which to me shows enormous growth on their parts. 

I know they did the best they knew how back then. I know they are trying the best they know how right now. However I have a right, and in fact, a need, to recognize the harm I experienced. Intention is important to consider, but impact is and should always be more weighty. When I've come through to a healthier place, perhaps I'll be able to grasp the proverbial olive branch.